Some sort of Equine title.

Plus, he just turned over and totally put his leg and arm over me :D

There have been many nights like tonight, where I am awake and reluctant to sleep. Though instead of feeling restless and alone, I lay beside such a gorgeous man.
He is at work in the morning so needs his sleep, and as he sleeps he occasionally stirs or rubs his throat (hayfever too, bless him) and 10 minutes ago rubbed my arm with his hand as he slept. It’s nights like this where I know I am safe and happy, and though i’m twisting the duvet in my toes as I type, I listen to his gentle breathing and it soothes me. He is the single greatest person, thing, being, to grace my life. I am lucky beyond words to have him as my better half.
When I am home, I long for this moment, where I can lay next to him, forget the world and all of it’s maddness. Hating the hundred miles between us and long to just have his heartbeat to guide me to sleep. He is special and one day he will realise that.

The year is passing so quickly and studying can be intense. I hold onto my hope for the future and I can safely say I am enjoying life. It’s too short to worry about people who claim to be caring friends, north korea, the weather or which shoes to buy.

This year is going to be the most testing, I think. It scares me, but i’m glad i’m getting new challenges. I’m not being forced to stay at home, stare at photos of horses to draw all day instead of my hoeses and eat myself up with misery like what happened for a few years. I’m slowly gaining a life back and pushing the boundaries, learning the basics of going out in the world, again.

Ben, my wonderful Ben has coaxed me through a lot of these hard milestones. I genuinely never thought I could be happy again. All the fight, passion, enthusiasm for life had left, each day for years was filled with the same monotonous despair and dislike for myself and what my life had become. In some ways I had it all, big house, horses at home, even money. Yet now, though challenging and infuriating, i’m finding unforced happiness in the small things again, I can absorb a good event and not fully weigh myself to the floor with every other upset around me.

I have a long way to go yet, some every day things still catch me out, but it is progress I can finally see. I know without Ben, i’d have never learned to accept what has happened and look to the future. For the first time in my life, I don’t live in the past. I owe him everything for that. This isn’t a soppy post, it’s just a reminder that even in your absoloute darkness, there are people there who can guide you out of it. Never let them go.

It’s good to have faith a little more restored in people. Even if it is a hot drink in the cold or an interested “oh?” or smile at something I’ve said.   I work in the almost shadow of someone who made it all so painful to focus and be confident. Literally, her horses are just down the road.  I don’t have much sympathy for the towering turbines that now linger over her property.   I am grateful that for now at least, I can practice relaxing.

I just don’t like these health problems. They seem to pile up against me and make artwork almost impossible. I hate struggling to focus and I hate feeling like I’m letting people down. I don’t want to be hated.

Can you believe it’s November now? How did that happen?

Can you believe it’s October already?   Time seems to fly so quickly these days, I can never get my head around it.  This year has been kinda insane.  There hasn’t been *tons* happening every single day, but it’s still been crazy.  A good kind too.

I saw Perks of Being A Wallflower at the weekend with the Mr.  I had tears at a couple of parts (and I’m really not one to ‘cry’ at films!) as Charlie said/seemed very similar to my Ben a few times.  Ben is a blossoming wallflower.